Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.