Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.