@funTweeters I am at your service….
You Might Also Like
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*watches the world burn*
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is