When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The Others (2001)
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes