Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
real
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Cashiers are always checking me out
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”