I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants