UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
she has a point
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun