My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Salad is the decaf of food.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.