Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My first son he is wonderful
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.