Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Ferrari squats
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.