Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children