Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.