A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
#CatsOnTwitter
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
❤️🦆
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.