I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Finally, a door that understands me
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200