It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates