9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
This is my pinned tweet
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.