A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
That’s a good costume, I hope.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…