if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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new wife guy just dropped
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
DOOO EEEET
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.