Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003