Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
cause of death:
autopsy.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.