If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water