[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
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[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone