pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
damn he’s good
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Did my cat write this
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]