Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda