The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!