gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.