me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
So glad we cleared that up
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.