Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.