I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR