I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.