your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You Might Also Like
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.