It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
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Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.