So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”