If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
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Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
his wife is probably gonna see that
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
🤣😂
Saturday
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
That’s no pocket rocket.