I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE