I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
You Might Also Like
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
WWE is French for “yes”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!