You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Boom, boom, ching!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
oh u like geography? name every lake
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
This story is comedy gold 😂