‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*pronounces fake like saké*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.