I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.