A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
S M O L
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.