I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
this is literally a CIA plant
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
wow he looks just like him
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*puts my mental health in rice
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan