Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.