[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
You Might Also Like
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
🌱🌱🌱
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.