[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
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TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
for all #parents out there
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.