“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I put the p in pants.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭