At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR