If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk