“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
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Good news
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs