ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
no
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.