Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
You Might Also Like
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
the rocks need my help
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98